By Gita Khatri
Deep is utterly lonely today. He has not been able to enjoy, though he has everything to fulfill ordinary human desires. He has many relatives around him. Yet, he has no one with him. For the past one year, he has been writhing in similar solitude.
Today is the first death anniversary of Seema. Deep woke up early in the morning, finished his morning prayers and passed several hours sitting in front of Seema’s picture. God knows what he thought, he sat agape.
‘Oh, I am a creative artist. Who will cherish my creations now? Where is that smile that bloomed out on seeing my creations? Where is that concentrated mind that listened to my work for the first time? Where is that someone who would see my creations and give constructive inputs for amendment? Where are those soft layer of voices in which my existence stood upright and made flowers of praise shower upon me? The invaluable essence of my life, the smile on my countenance, the trustworthy support of belief for me, the dream of my life, a companion for several lifetimes…’
Deep was startled. He then composed himself.
There was a time when Deep did nothing but listened. He had no words of gratitude to answer his praise, or he didn’t want to belittle Seema’s fathomless love with a few formal words of thankfulness. Maybe that was his weakness. There are many people who love from their hearts but seldom express in words. Many show love in their words but behave differently from within.
Deep was perhaps a first-class human who believed in deed more than in words. Today, he doesn’t have with him his Seema, who would listen to each of his words. Her face that smiled to him, her voice that joked with him, that source that showed inspiration and encouragement to him was missing. All he has is a silent room and a graceful picture of Seema in a frame, hanging on the wall of his room. He sits talking with the picture for hours.
Earlier, Deep used to listen to his wife’s words patiently. The situation has reversed now. He gawks vacantly at Seema’s picture and babbles unintelligible things. He sometimes laughs and some other time breaks into a silent cry.
We come to value a thing only after it slips off our hands. Deep has comprehended this reality only now. In absence of the other, a person comes to know how valuable was his true love for someone, and how deep or shallow was the mutual relationship. From time to time, Seema used to tell Deep that as long as it is with us, even a highly valuable thing appears insignificant. Those days, Deep appeared less serious in such matters. But today, he has started comprehending their significance.
Back home from work, Deep always sits in the worship room for some time. In the same room he does his reading, writing and contemplation. While alone in his room he sometimes hears Seama’s footsteps and something the tinkling of her bangles. Most of the people have similar hallucinations when they have been tragically separated from their near and dear ones.
Seema was a maiden who always looked to stay happy, allow her heart to fly freely in the open sky, fly unimpeded in the air, and flow nonchalantly like the river water. But, are all of human desires ever fulfilled? Within the limits of circumstances and time, every individual prioritizes the desires that otherwise appear limitlessly, and honestly tries to fulfill them. In this short life, we must have the wisdom to compromise with nature and divine blessings in keeping ourselves happy. We must learn to be contented in whatever we can achieve. Maybe Seemas’ efforts were directed to this very end.
Though this was the reality, Deep had the suspicion that Seema invited early death for herself by taking higher doze of medicine. What a coincidence it was, and what a fate! In a tender age, Seema was doomed to confine herself to a photo frame and stay hanging inside a room all the time. Deep is always plagued by the doubt whether Seema was herself responsible for her early death.
Deep suddenly remembers something.
Some time back, Seema had told him one day, “Read my diary after I am dead.”
In her saying, there was a shred of belief that she would die earlier than Deep does, but there was no ground for believing her. Yet, the statement sometimes sent a chill down Deep’s spine.
A year has elapsed since Seema took leave from the world. He remembered what Seema had said. He also remembered her diary. He could recall Seema’s words beseeching him to read her daily accounts. He rummaged in the place where all of Seema’s belongings had been kept together, fished out her diary and moved into the worship room to read it.
The important entry addressed to Deep read as follows:
“Deepu, I wanted to tell you all these things orally. Only that, I could never gather the guts. I have started feeling I don’t have many days to stay alive on earth. It’s not that I have resigned from life, but of late, my mind has become quite benumbed. Though I am unable to tell them out, I am writing all these things believing that you will be the one to read them.
“As humans, we are mere actors that have come to play their roles in the drama of life. As long as life lasts, we are bound to do different roles. We have to laugh sometimes and some other times cry, willingly or unwillingly. We need to run our life to the tune of time and circumstances. It’s a compulsion on the part of our life to keep the play lively. Our acting ends only when our life approaches its finale. After that, we neither have to laugh, nor cry. After that, a new actor will appear on the stage. The play continues uninterrupted till eternity; it is only the actors that change. If our life is only for living’s sake, we need to move ahead without being disheartened in every circumstance, laughing and making others laugh. As much as we can, we should act for the welfare of the world, become helpful to others, expect nothing for others, and love others as much as we can.
“Deepu, I always remember you saying that the love never exhausts of sharing. Instead, it increases on sharing. When I shared love, venomous eyes sometimes frightened me, but through my habit of thinking positive, I always vanquished the negative thoughts that sometimes arose in me. I then resumed my works and led them ahead smoothly.
“Deepu, before the drama of my life ends I want to inform you about my difficulties. This, I hope, will free you from suspicions. A few years ago, I came to know from my doctor that I had blood cancer. For a while, I was rendered mute. I stood there like a lifeless thing. However, in a while, I composed myself and asked with the doctor with a strong heart how much time I now had on earth. The doctor told me that proper treatment and medication could keep me alive for two years, since mine was in its early stage and I was still quite young. After that, I came near to you, thinking about discussing it with you. But then, as soon as I saw your face, I forgot everything, and could not tell you anything.
“I resolved to share it among my friends and family, but I couldn’t succeed in that as well. You must be remembering that I always waited for a propitious time to share a serious thing. I later decided that the most auspicious moment for sharing my latest reality should be after my death, at your convenience. That is why I am requesting you to read my diary.”
With his eyes filled with tears, Deep continued to read Seema’s story, written in her beautiful hands.
“Deepu, I believe that you will forgive me because I didn’t opt to make you, my family and my relatives shocked by sharing this news. No one had the power to treat it, and they don’t still have one. Even if I had shared my fate with others, I would have no option but to live the rest of life as their ‘sick one’. I thought it unwise to do so. What worth is sharing pain with others, when my end was decided now? I considered that God had announced his decree for me. So, I think, whatever I did is right.
“Deepu, you perhaps remember what I told from time to time that in life, one should try all the experiences and fulfill all the wishes. I feel that I fulfilled all my wishes, except one which I could never do. I could never fulfill the wish of becoming a mother. This unfulfilled desire was one of the most prominent reasons why I concealed from you and your family the time limit my doctor had announced for my life. At one corner of my heart I had the hope if I could fulfill this last wish of mine as well.
“I still had the zeal, the enthusiasm and the necessary youthfulness in me. But Deepu, everything is predetermined, you know! Whatever is bound to happen takes place. In every incident, man can do nothing besides expressing dismay. I have fulfilled all my wishes today. I enjoyed all the luxuries and saw whatever I wanted to see. I have no grudge against God for granting me a short life.
“I think you remember an incident of one month earlier from now. We had argued over the question of having a baby. I wanted to see you become impatient, but the situation was strange. The way I love is different from others’. I am not a woman who dreads life, but no one is stronger than time. A small error on my part is driving me away from life a bit earlier than my due time. One of the pills I took recently happened to be an old one. I had taken it unknowingly, not deliberately. Its side effect is griping me. Means, its effect is drawing my life closer to its end. My heart is telling me so. You must have heard as well that a patient well knows if the finale is approaching, as is happening with me while I am writing this entry. So, I believe, you will read the last lines of my entry with great concentration and will fulfill what I want of you for the peace of my soul.”
Tears continued to flow from Deeps’ eyes. To prevent his eyes from soaking Seema’s diary, he kept it further away and continued reading:
“I think you know I was a science student once. I was 22 then. I had a deep interest in research works. In the mean time I had the opportunity to study and research about the possibility of a human egg being fertilized in the fallopian tube of one woman and later transplanting it to that of another woman. I also learnt that every woman necessarily produces an egg in her womb. The creation of God also sometimes exhibits anomalies. An egg taken out of a woman’s womb can function very well, and it can be safely fertilized to produce a baby. So, for experimentation, I have also reserved my eggs at the laboratory of the State University of New York. I give you the full right to make use of them. You can transplant them in any woman you like.
“Deepu, let me remind you one more thing. You very well know my classmate Sukriti Pandey. We were very close friends. There was a time when she passionately fell for you. But you were destined to be mine. But this fact was never unearthed mainly because of my close friendship with Sukriti. She also kept it concealed inside her heart. She is still unmarried.
“I know God had made a similar mistake in her creation too. Her womb doesn’t produce eggs. Since we were classmates, I knew everything about her and she about me. At the moment, she is a student at the State University of New York. Go and meet her once, and propose her for marriage. If possible, give this diary and ask her to read it. I am sure she will not turn down your proposal. Your desire to have a child with me should now be fulfilled with Sukriti.
“Is it a divine plan or mere coincidence, we have arrived at this juncture today. I think the mistake God made was destined to bring us to this point.
“I congratulate both of you and express my best wishes.”
***
Translated by Mahesh Paudyal
[Gita Khatri, was born in Kathmandu, is a US-based Nepali storywriter, poet, essayist and lyricist. Her story collection Seamless Desires, translated from Nepali is available on Amazon. Currently she is the Chairperson for the Board of Trustee of the International Nepali Literary Society (INLS), after serving the organization as its President for a term before. She lives in New York City with her family.]