Rishi Prasad Subedi
I am not sure if it is love. It is not nothing either. As I hold the card, my hand promptly goes towards his left hand helping his fingers pinch one edge of the card. Just nearby my two of the fingers pinching it. Out of nowhere a force trembled my little finger. I couldn’t stop. The little finger touched his palm a number of times. Looking into my eyes. No. Looking into nowhere he grabbed my finger. Something passed into my body-the whole body. I don’t know what exactly it was. It was like an electric current. But it was so pleasant, so beautiful, so satisfied. I desired the touch to be eternal but he left stopping the flow of pleasures into me. It was the first time I was pleased so much with the touch of a man. Probably he is the first man I have ever been touched by in my life. I am sure, the experience of this touch will remain always the first and most amusing in my life. All kinds of pleasures I will get today onwards will remain secondary.
As he left my finger, I became restless as though there was not enough air to breath. I wanted him touch again. Luckily, I happened to talk about my hand fractured by falling on the ground of my office. He pushed his hand to examine the injury though it liked fine even from distance. With the fear he might withdraw his hand from half way, I presented my wrist up to the level of his hand. Making my dream come true he touched the skin with a finger and then put his fingers around my wrist. This time it was not pleasant as before. However, I liked it.
I felt so light, maybe lighter than a flower. I could jump, I could fly, I could dance, I could be mad and I could be foolish. I could do anything that the lightest thing in the universe can. Soon I realized the bitter reality- my culture, my prestige, my virginity and most importantly the opinion of others one me. How free I would be, in fact the human being if there were no worries of others’ opinion. Despite having a deep attraction, I could not fling myself into his arms. There would be no wrong for me. Instead I would cherish the sheer joy of life. I would find the meaning of life. If there were none to make fake narratives on me, I would be filled with his love, thrill and his manhood cuddling with my body stimulating my culturally repressed energies proving me a true woman. Telling me the date I should get vaccinated against Covid-19, he gestured me to leave. Being restless I get into my room and then came out with a desire to see him. Does he also feel as I do? Maybe he does. Why would he pinch my little finger? What does he mean by catching my wrist? Why was he gasping? All these activities show that he too desperately wants me as I want him. Maybe the same obstacles he might be going through. With no reason, I reached in front of his door many times. As I would throw a glance secretly on him, I would find him looking at me. Neither I could smile not speak a world. What an awkward moment! Maybe he would understand the situation and remove his eyes, I would comfortably walk away.
At night my eyes remained wide open. Sleep disappeared. The moment my trembling finger touching his palm, his two fingers pinching my little finger and his fingers around my injured wrist with a tender touch. How warm they are! The pictures around the eyes one after another dancing. The lips get stretched abruptly bringing smile on the face. I checked the next bed if granny is awake. My grandmother calls me Nakachari— a shameless girl—if she finds me smiling under a quilt with no reason. There is a reason I only know. Granny probably didn’t experience such a thing in her life. She had already given birth to two babies at my age. She shared her hardships with me yesterday. Grabbing a mobile phone from the table I checked time. It was twelve. Midnight. I decided to sleep after going to the wash room. Expecting the door of his room open in the unconscious part of mind I entered the lobby. With higher heart beat I glance around the lobby. There was still and silence everywhere with all the doors closed. I went to the washroom, saw myself in the mirror and returned back to the room what a wish it is! Why I desire him? It’s impossible. It’s just a fantasy. However, let it be a fantasy- it is so pleasant.
In the morning, in a courageous way I approached his door and saw him preparing for kitchen work. I felt it was the right time to observe him closely and get cherished. I invited him for lunch making him free whole morning wishing him to think about me as I am doing for him. I was so happy when he readily accepted my invitation. Still I don’t know if I am wishing right.