Reeta Tamrakar
Today also Sammishran takes her friend with her. She always takes new people close to her to that place.
Like always, today also she looks astounding in her own style. Well, she wouldn’t have won a beauty pageant, yet she was beautiful. And her outfit is the most stylish, of course!
That place isn’t a lovable place for anyone. Instead dead bodies are burnt there. But also, the peaceful environment and the beautiful place always attracts her. The attraction is strong just the attraction between a magnet and a metal.
Her eyes search for him once she steps down the bus. She looks around and finds him after some times. He is not in his usual place. But once she sees him she feels excited.
She is with her friend physically but mentally and emotionally she is flying towards the youth. She just stares at him, lovingly.
She feels like doing many nonsense things. Feels like stopping the passing of time and just enjoying his presence. She just keeps staring, though nothing more.
She does not notice her friend looking at her. She does not care about anything other than staring at him till the point her friend kisses her on the cheeks. She abruptly comes out of her world.
Oh no! He must have seen her. She feels nervous and anxiously looks towards him. Thank God! He is deeply absorbed in the setting sun. She feels relieved.
“Hey! Where’s my part of the kiss?” her friend asks her slyly.
“What will the public say? I already gave you so much before. Shouldn’t I keep something for later on?” Even though she says this she is feeling angry with her friend.
She feels bad. She feels anxious. Her hands are shaking uncontrollably. She is feeling angry and absurd. She feels like doing something stupid but she controls herself. Her friend stares at her shamelessly.
Their laughter grabs the youth’s attention, and he turns around to look at them. Sammishran is still looking at him. For the first time, their eyes meet.
Oh, how beautiful eyes! And what an attractive face! Ah! Those jaw lines. She talks to herself. She tries to read his expressions but does not succeed. She returns home attaching his beautiful eyes in her heart.
Later, though she has surrendered herself physically to somebody else, she only keeps thinking about him. It was the seventh time today. Like always he keeps smoking like a chain-smoker with a bottle of soda on his side.
Why is it that he loves that place just like her? Why is he always there? Why is nobody ever at his side? Ah! Those beautiful eyes, perfect jaw line, handsome face! Anybody can fall for him!
“What’s happened to you?” her partner seems unsatisfied but she only cares for that handsome guy.
Sammishran is ‘head over heels’ for that beautiful-eyed youth. She cannot control herself and does not even want to. So, she goes there every day just to look at him. But, luck is not in her favor. She does see the youth there for many, long, uncertain days.
Finally, her luck favors her and she sees the handsome youth again. She feels like she is over the moon. Hiding her hesitations, she decides to talk to him.
“Where were you all these days? I came here every day just to look at you but you were lost somewhere.” The youth is shocked hearing her words.
“You? To look at me? Why…do you have any work with me?”
Oh my God! Not only his eyes, jaws and face his voice is also so soothing and smooth. She feels more for him.
“May I sit with you for sometimes?” she asks, without answering his question.
Without waiting for his answer she sits next to him.
The youth was is and uncomfortable at the same time. So, he sits a bit further from her. Sammishran does not like that at all.
“What’s your name?” she asks.
“Avatar,” a short answer comes.
“Nice name. But, quite unusual. Mine’s Sammishran,” she says without being asked.
“Your name is also nice yet unusual.” He laughs.
He has a dimple on one of his cheeks. And his teeth are all finely set. And his smile is satisfying to her.
She keeps on staring at him. She does not know how long she is in that position until Avatar interrupts her thoughts.
“Why are you staring like that? Be careful, your stares will pierce my heart.” He flirts.
Again he speaks, “I gave this name myself later on to suit my life. What about you?”
“Oh! Really? I also did the same. What a coincidence!” she answers. She cannot control so she takes his hand on hers. ‘Oh how soft hands!’ she thinks.
They keep talking for long and depart by promising to meet another again. They continue their meeting. That is not enough though. They share their phone numbers. They are connected every moment. They are almost inseparable. Yet, they are hiding their truths from each other.
Both of them are burning in fire of agony and regret because they cannot open up about their secrets. Neither of them is ready to unseal the secret. Though they look calm from outside both of them are burning from agony inside.
Both of them are sitting at their usual, favorite place though they are talking.
“Why aren’t you talking?” Sammishran grasps his hands.
“What about you?” Avatar says.
“I have been hiding one thing from you. I try to share it with you but I just can’t. I just don’t have the courage.” Sammishran speaks in a sad tone.
“What is that? Tell me. Come on, don’t be emotional.” Avatar tries to console her.
“It isn’t that easy. Maybe you will spit in my face after hearing it. Or maybe you will choke me in anger.” She starts crying.
“What’s happened to you? Why are you crying? I won’t do anything that sort. Yet, if you feel uncomfortable then don’t share.” He wipes her tears.
“I can’t hide it from you anymore. It’s killing me. I will tell you today. But, please don’t break our relationship. I will tell you everything.” She cries in on shoulders for a long time.
Avatar keeps hugging her. He is astounded. What can it be? What is that which is causing so much pain to her? Betrayal? But I’m the one who has betrayed her. Will she forgive me after hearing it? How angry she might be? How much will she hate me? He is tortured at that moment.
While avatar is feeling devastated Sammishran starts showering love to him.
“What are you doing? In such a public place. Control yourself,” Avatar says.
“No! I can’t. I can’t control myself. Maybe this is the last time I’m loving you. Maybe it’s the last time that you’ll allow me to do so Avatar.”
Sammishran is too much emotional. And tightly grasping his hands she says it too him. For a moment the world stops moving and he feels numb. He isn’t expecting that, not at that moment. He tries to speak but words come and return from his lips.
“Avatar! Please don’t break our relationship. I can’t live without you. Please don’t hate me. I will be helpless if you leave me. Please, say something now.” She hugs him, full of emotions.
“Don’t be afraid girl. Neither I will hate you nor will I leave you alone. Until that time when you yourself will hate me. Don’t be afraid. And keep quite. Don’t cry.” He kisses her forehead for the first time.
“You didn’t believe me? I’m telling the truth. I will not leave you till the time you yourself want to leave me. You told me the truth. Now, it’s my turn to tell you something.” He took a deep breath. And then starts talking.
“Please! Don’t hate me, ok? I’m not asking you to never leave me. It’s your choice and right. It doesn’t mean it won’t affect me if you leave. It will affect me. But the decision is yours.”
And then Avatar speaks. By the time he is done and is rubbing his eyes Sammishran is astounded. She just keeps staring and staring. Avatar take her reaction in his own way.
“Bye! Sammishran. Thank you for making my days wonderful and being with me. I ask for your forgiveness for betraying you. Just remember that I loved you and our meeting was not meant to be forever. May your life be full of happiness? For the last time I want to kiss your checks. Will you allow me do that for the last time?” Avatar’s sad voice is killing Sammishran. She gives him a big hug and starts showering him with love.
“What should I think about your behavior, Sammishran? May I register you as mine forever?” Avatar’s voice cracks with happiness.
“Yes, dear! You can officially register me as yours.” Sammishran is also very happy and in no better condition than him.
It is their first night together. They together feel each other’s pain and decide to start something new in a new place.
They go from a small place to the country’s capital. They take an apartment. Sammishran starts working at a dance bar. Avatar works as a waiter. Life is easy and they are happy with it. They have good relationship with their neighbors. They are treated nicely in their workplace.
One day Sammishran returns home at late night. She hasn’t completely entered the room when Avatar asks, “Did you bring pad for me? It’s bleeding so much maybe because it is the second day. I’ve changed pads thrice already. It’s hurting too much.”
“Oh no! I forgot maybe because it doesn’t happen to me. Please don’t be angry. I will go to the medical and bring it in no time.” Sammishran tries returning from the door.
“Leave it. I will manage by using the clothes. We will buy it tomorrow. It’s so cold outside.” Avatar speaks in a loving tone.
They are happy with their own world but the neighbor next door who hasn’t been able to sleep hears their conversation. And it is like a blasting bomb to her. She cannot bear it. A male having periods and a female not having menstruation! It is too much for her. She cannot sleep that night and feels uncomfortable.
It spreads like fire. Love turns into hatred. And life starts being hard for them.
They feel hurt and it is so unexpected. Subarna’s brother is a reporter. He is excited to interview them.
“Ok! Avatar tell us. Why did you do this? Why did you betray the society?” the reporter asks slyly.
“I don’t call my life a lie sir. I was helpless. I was forced. We were total seven sisters. I was the fifth one. I was healthier and stronger than my sisters. To complete their wish my parents started treating me like a son.” Avatar sounded really painful.
“Then…?” The shameless reporter asks.
“I was treated like a son. I behaved like a man. Nobody made me feel like woman. Later when I realized it I couldn’t accept myself as a woman. So I was always treated like a son. Nobody except the ones who recognize knew I am not what I am.”
“Are you saying the truth”? The reporter asks shamelessly. What a mean person!
“I’m telling the truth. It’s your choice to believe it or not. My parents were worried after all my sisters got married and I am still single. I start getting forced. I don’t want to marry. I cannot marry a man. And I cannot marry a woman either. There is tension in my house. I have become a scoundrel for my parents.”
“Why did you act like that? Didn’t you feel scared?” the reporter asks acting smart.
“No I didn’t. Why should I feel scared or even bad? I grew as a boy. Everyone treated me like one. I felt I was correct. And when life was hell for me I met Sammishran. She brought light in my dark world.”
He looks at her lovingly and she grasps his hand. The reporter looks them judgingly.
“You tell me Mr. Reporter. What was my fault? My parents treated me like a boy since my childhood. They did that for their selfishness. They were selfish. If they hadn’t done that I wouldn’t have to face this day today,” says Avatar in a hoarse voice. Sammishran eyes fill with tears.
Everybody in the room feels like as if they just witnessed the 8th wonder of the world. Everybody looks as him like as if he were an atom bomb about to burst. Full of curiosity.
“Ok, now tell me your story.” The reporter directs his question at Sammishran. He seems a heartless person to them.
“My name itself is Sammishran. Mixture of man and woman. I didn’t wish to be born like this. It wasn’t my fault. If the society and parents couldn’t accept the nature’s law then it’s their fault.”
“After that…? Looks like you both have the same habit of taking a break between talks.” The reporter speaks rudely.
“It’s not a lesson learned to tell to a teacher to obtain marks, Mr. Reporter. It’s our life’s painful story. We were deeply hurt by our parent’s and society’s behaviors when we met each other. When we tried to live peacefully begin a new life then also it bring headaches to people. It’s not our fault, got it?” Sammishran seems deeply wounded.
“There are so many families in the society where they differentiate between their own children. Whose fault it was, Avatar’s or his family? Was it my fault or the society’s fault that they couldn’t accept me the way I am? Aren’t we all human? Don’t we have equal rights?” Sammishran starts weeping.
“If everyone has the right to live peacefully then why don’t we have that right?” She shivers angrily.
Her question brings silence to everyone sitting there.
[Translated from Nepali by Nityodita Bishta]
[Tamrakar is a storywriter based in Itahari, Nepal. Her published works include Tusarapat, Anam Paridhi, Samweg and Drishya–Paridrishya.]