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Wednesday, November 27, 2024

The Lost Horizon

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Krishna Dharabasi

“Couldn’t you stay back for a few more days?”

She stopped folding her clothes and looked at me. I could not perceive any change of expression in her eyes. I found the simplicity, which used to be there before as well. I did not know what I was searching for in her eyes but I wished that there would be something different in the depth of her eyes. I could sense a natural informality and deep friendship in her speech and behavior and this led me to a strange kind of imagination.

She retorted, “Why? My work is already finished so why should I stay back for a few more days just like that?”

Her response raised my emotional level. I shivered inside…

I got the feeling that my question was unnecessary and I felt as if my whole body had turned cold. 

I could not take you around the town properly as you were so busy.  There is nothing so special in this place for people to see either. Most of the places are the ones, which you have already visited. Nothing new has been constructed since the last time you were here which is a must-see over here. The old parks have also become disgustingly dirty, and dilapidated. We also have not had the opportunity to speak to each other that much.

She glanced at me again. Her expression changed. What sort of change was this? I could not come to any conclusion. But her expression seemed a bit odd. She looked away and continued folding her clothes. Silence rang out in the room. Perhaps I would not have to bear this wretched silence if the T.V. or radio had been playing in the room. The longer the silence stretched, the tension in the room intensified. After a long pause, I cleared my throat and said, “You have stopped speaking altogether!”

“What should I say? There is nothing for me to say.”

“You could still say something.”

She folded the last piece and placed it on the stack. She flopped on the bed and faced me. She kept staring at me for a few moments. I could not bring myself to look into her eyes. I pretended to look elsewhere. After what seemed like eternity, she spoke finally, “Let us drink black tea once more, okay?”

I nodded in agreement.

This situation is really becoming difficult to manage. Why is this so? I have met someone so dear to me after such a long time and still I am not able to talk to her comfortably. It was a different case in the past. I never got tired of talking to her. She also used to joke with me, hug with me  and behave in such a  relaxed and friendly manner. Within a period of three years, we visited almost every nook and corner of the city. Even if we had no money, we would stroll around all over the town. We shared dreams, ideals, illusions and plans together. We made pledges to each other and made many plans together. We were lost in our own dream world.

“Here’s your glass of tea,” she said.

I was brought back to the present by her words. She had a glass in her hand and the color of the tea looked appealing.

I replied, “You will also return today, right?”

“Of course, I will have to return. If you are leaving, there is no reason for me to stay back.

It doesn’t matter if I leave. Why don’t you stay back and visit all the old spots and meet old friends? I have to leave because of my work and cannot extend my stay.  The extra days do not fall into my original plan. My daughter has already called me several times yesterday. She is feeling lonely all by herself.”

I did not have any plans either. I did not imagine that I would come across you in such a way. I met you after so many years. I am pleasantly surprised. I was reminded of my past. It crossed my mind that we may never meet each other again that is why I requested you to spend a few days with me so that at least we can cherish the memory of our time together.

We sipped our hot tea slowly. Our slurps were the only sound heard in the room.

Finally, I spoke, “I do not have your e-mail ID, or mobile no., otherwise…”

“If you had it, what would you have done?,” she asked.

“Nothing special…just like that, maybe sometimes…,” I replied back.

“It is better not to misuse the e-mail ID or mobile number. It is of no use to us and will only complicate our lives,” she said.

“But one is reminded of one’s past from time to time,” I said.

“Then that is enough. Isn’t it enough to have memories? It is enough that memories fill our hearts. After all, memories stay within the boundaries of our hearts,” she retorted.

I became silent again. I could not bring her around to the topic. She was making an effort not to give in to my wishes. I wanted to create an atmosphere where we could lose ourselves in each other’s arms and release emotions which have been pent up inside our hearts for so many years. 

But it seemed like she wanted to preserve the memories inside her heart, keep them intact and take them along with her. 

It was difficult for me to keep silent. I diverted the topic to practical matters and family issues. Topics related to my wife, children, office and old friends. She listened silently. I wanted her to say something about her life but she chose to remain quiet. I was disheartened by the change in her personality.  Her liveliness had vanished altogether. There was a strange sort of seriousness in her face. A sudden suspicion sprang in my mind, perhaps she does not like my company at all. I felt uneasy and felt like leaving the place right away. I tried to gulp down the hot tea so that I could leave as soon as possible.

“Why are you in a hurry to finish your tea? Hot tea might harm your stomach,” she asked me.

“I am used to drinking hot tea. You also have to leave soon,” I replied.

Her facial expression changed.

I said to myself, “Come what may, it is better to express yourself when you have the chance to do so.”

I was very sad to know about your situation, but I could not bring myself to call you that time. It was better that you did not make that call. Otherwise it would have added to my misery. 

Whatever happened was beyond our control. We were the victims of destiny. And now coming back to the present, we are in a position to take charge of our own lives and make our own decisions. Maybe we grow stronger with time.

      The situation was not within our control this time too. We were still unable to take our own decisions. We were bound by our families in the past and now we are bound by society. You are right. Today, we might be able to overcome societal pressures, but tomorrow when we are faced with questions of morality, it would be difficult for us to meet like we are meeting at present.

Her serious demeanor was being overpowered by her emotions. I could see through her façade.

I could perceive a whole range of emotions reflected in her face which were like the colors of a rainbow which were about to shine through…the whole sensation was the one I used to experience when we used to be alone with each other in the past.

I said, “Why were our parents so impressed by people who stay abroad? Anyway I never  imagined that this attraction would prove fatal to you and would be the source of your misery.”

“Leave it. Do not talk about him.”

“Why shouldn’t I talk about it? You have to purge yourself of this misery in some way, either through your anger or your tears. Why should you lead your life like a widow with your divorce with a heavy burden in your mind?”

“Krishna, men can never understand such a situation. Leave the topic.”

I said, “Of course, I understand your situation. I think you are the one who is not trying to understand anything. You have made up your mind not to understand me. I tried to contact you so many times but you never gave me any importance and totally ignored me.”

She replied, “There can be no meaning to such a contact. We were friends and shall remain friends. There is no horizon beyond this relation for us.”

Soon after, the conversation got obstructed. I could not speak further. Every word from her mouth felt like arrows piercing my heart.

I had finished my tea during the conversation. Now there was no reason for me to stay there anymore. I organized myself, got up and said, “You seem to be in a hurry too. I cannot do anything if you have made up your mind to leave. I will also catch the evening bus. Have a safe journey. Take care of yourself. I addressed her tearfully as I was overcome with emotions.

She looked the other way and said, “I was not able to spend much time with you this time. In future, should there be an opportunity to do so, I would love to visit the old places of the city with you once more.”

[Translated by Eda Upadhyaya and Pratiksha Shaha]

[Krishna Dharabasi (b. 1967) is a poet, novelist, short story writer, and theorist of high repute. He made his debut in writing in the early nineties and has since then published series of poems, essays, short stories, and novels. His novel Radha, won him Madan Puraskar, Nepal’s most prestigious literary award in 2005, and the work has also been translated into English. He is one of the leading theorists of Leela Lekhan, a post-structural theoretical school of thought, championed by Nepali critics. He lives with his family in Kathmandu.]

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