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I Blame Myself

Samjhana Gaire

It was our 5th marriage anniversary. I was with my girl for the last five years, my only love the one whom I loved with all my heart. Perhaps we were the happiest couple and I was the luckiest to have her by my side. 12 at the night, my phone rings “Happy Anniversary Honey”, she said. 

“Happy anniversary darling. I love you a lot.” 

“Aww… I love you too. Where are we meeting then?” she asked.

“I will pick you around 11.30 am. Stay ready.”

“Okay, honey good night.” The call ended.

I was busy planning my future with her. The next day, I picked her from our regular spot. She was wearing a sleeveless red one-piece, perfectly fitted on her body. That curly hair, chocolate-colored lipstick, pointed heels, and little makeover, she was looking stunning and I couldn’t remove my eyes from her. I was on my motorbike and she was in my back seat. “You looking hot baby,” I complimented.

With a little laughter, she added “It’s our 5th anniversary how can I look bad.” 

I always knew she was scared of overspeeding and rough riding. We used to have a long discussion on safe riding as she used to make me conscious of the consequences of rough riding timely. Still, I used to irritate her everytime I get. Today again the rider inside me popped up. Speed was exceeding 100km/hr and she was scared and I could feel her arms around me; holding me tightly. I was super excited and I had no limits, speed was increasing. 

“John, please slow down I am scared.”

“Take it easy baby, enjoy the ride.” The rider inside me overwhelmed me again.

“You know I am scared, why can’t you just ride slow? I am not talking to you….” She sounded quite angry.

“Okay, sweetheart anything for you.” Finally, I stepped down to 60km/hr.

We were on the roads heading towards Palpa. Sharp turning and a hot girl dressed perfectly whom I loved the most was by my side. I wanted to prove myself a born rider again. I was going limitless again and speeding. She started screaming again but this time I wasn’t ready to listen to her. I was feeling manly I could ride at this speed and also super excited because I could feel the warm and tight hug.

B-A-N-G!

With a blink of my eyes, I don’t know what happened. After 2 days, I opened my eyes tothe hospital bed. I could see leads on my chest, cannula on both hands. I could feel a bandage around my head, legs, and hands. “Jenny, where are you?” I started searching for my girl. I couldn’t find her around. After a couple of hours, I could meet my parents and friends. I could see their eyes edematous. “Mom, where is Jenny?” That was my first question. Mom started crying.

“Raj, where is Jenny? I wanna meet her. Why isn’t she here with you guys?” I started getting nervous and worried.”She is admitted in ICU. She is unconscious.”

Oh god, what I did… I was getting worried. “I want to see her. I wanna meet her. Please take me.” I started crying and screaming.

“No, you can’t go. You are still critical. We can’t let you go out of your bed.” A voice was heard.

“I don’t care. I have to see her.” I replied angrily. 

After a lot of requests, I was taken to the ICU in a wheelchair with a nurse.

“Jenny, get up. It’s me, your love. I won’t Overspeed again I promise you, my girl. Please talk to me, please look at me.” Tears rolled down my cheeks. That beautiful face was all covered with lacerated wounds. I could only see wires and IV lines around her. I was speechless. I couldn’t bear my love was in that situation all because of me. I was taken back to my bed.

I was lying on my bed subconsciously when I heard, she is no more. Tears started rolling down my cheeks. The thing which I feared most just happened. She left me, she left us. Now I had nothing left with me. I could see all those future planning shattered infront of my eyes, those dreams turn into pieces. Moreover, I murdered my love, killed our future. Those memories we created together were running on my head. 

Today I am out of hospital bed, almost fit and fine physically but mentally I am still with you my love. Today I can’t even look towards motorbikes and scare more than you used to do. You were the only love of my life and I miss you always, our discussion and your pretty face always surround my eyes.

[Ms. Samjhana Gaire is a BSc. Nursing graduate student from Universal College of Medical Sciences and Teaching Hospital (UCMS), Bhairahawa, Rupandehi. Currently she is assisting as a school nurse at Dawn Children’s English High School, Tillottama, Rupandehi. She loves reading literary genres, creative creations and composing narrative poems. Her interests include teaching young learners, serving in community works, and composing creative writings.]

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