Bhawani Bhikshu
The sun God had cast his lights over ranges of black hills, though he hid his face behind the southern hill. Rivers continuously sand their melodies. They did not care much about the world. Dimness was sinking into darkness.
A traveler, coming from tarai, resting his feet on the steps, and asked Sani – “Could I stay here?”
“I don’t know. Must ask my mother.”
“Mother? Where is she? Who is she? I do not know her. Whom to ask?”
“Mother! Mother!! Her sweet and sharp sound as articulated from her throat entered every nook and corner of the hills. However, no one came. Waiting for a while, she headed to a direction saying, “Wait; I’ll bring her” and she came with an old woman within a moment.
“Look. She is my mother. Where are your porters?”
“There is only one porter. He is also old; cannot walk fast. Because of him, I had to stay here. Otherwise, I had thought of reaching Chitlang. There are some acquaintances. We could stay in a better place. But, I think, it is an inn, isn’t it?
“Yes…” she answered lengthening voice of shock and loathing.
“What if it is an inn? It is the same case at Chitlang too. The nearby room is clean enough,” Sani said swiftly.
“You want some food or drink?” the old woman asked.
“I don’t drink; food only. I’ve got all the cooking wares.”
Sani said nearing her face with her mother’s face “Why mom, he would buy rice, pulse, ghee, firewood, salt, oil, spices, vegetables…the room next door can serve as the kitchen and he can sleep in nearby room.”
“Let’s see the room once. Whether it is clean, otherwise…”
“Why not? Look, what is in there? It is freshly cleaned; would provide you the mattress, if you need it. Look, your porter has come. Will you take rest?”
The old women stepped up saying; “Sani come on.” Sani stood at the door.
The porter, who just arrived, rested his loads making deep sing and said, “Such a heavy loads, such an uphill path, earning of nine paisa, at the same time a leading man too, God knows the wage!”
The hints of expectation, conviction and satisfaction were oblique on the face of mutely standing Sani.
The traveller decided to stay after seeing the rooms and Sani felt quite easy. Arranging of mattress with the help of porter, he lay on the floor over the makeshift bed, breathing of fairly relaxation, Porter said “Now, can I go…tired, need to eat and drink, you should have given me few paisa for breakfast…”
The traveller threw four paisa saying, “Take…” The old porter was about to go picking that paisa from the floor with the gaze of satisfaction, Sani questioned again, “What stuff should I bring for kitchen? Please tell. The night is almost here and you have the lantern. Need some kerosene?”
Without answering, he said to the ready-to-go porter- “Oh old man, bring those cooking wares out of the basket getting washed on the river.” Then facing Sani said he, “you should give a vessel to fetch the water, he would bring it too. Then he would go for his food and drink.”
“Okay. I’ll bring it from up.”
“But, is the vessel clean?”
“Look. What is this in the vessel? If you are not pleased, you can wash in the river.” Sani had implied the wariness on her face.
The porter had taken out wares from the basket. Sani swiftly came carrying a vessel of brass. The porter went to the river carrying that too. After that, the young traveller gazed at dimly lit twilight. However, the appearance shows worn and miserable state, the face was not ugly. There was the case of body full of hilly air and the gift of beautiful labor; natural physique had been ascending the steps of youth. The crispy round eyes with dark pupils were vigorous. The far level of curiosity and inquisitiveness was playing.
“Then, what to bring for kitchen? Question came through quite wariness. The traveller said, “One ounce of fine rice, one fourth of lentils, vegetables of two paisa, ghee of two aana would be okay.”
Hearing it, she climbed up and brought all those things as demanded after a moment. The porter had gone keeping the ware and water in the next room. The freshly cleaned kitchen and the place were clean.
“But, this rice is not fine,” the traveller said observing that rice.
“But, you cannot get better quality of rice elsewhere in this place. Otherwise, I would bring it for you. You cannot even get vegetables other than potatoes.”
The traveller said slightly smiling “Well, then there is no way out. I should avail myself of available stuffs.”
“Now, can I go?” Sani asked.
The traveller does not know that he wanted to steal the sight over the face of Sani while saying “Okay”. Their eyes met. The kid climbed up with timidity. But, returning in a moment with confidence. she asked in natural tone “You need oil and spices, and firewood. Should I bring salt, spices and kerosene for lantern? or not?”
“Oh! I have nearly forgotten this. I could have fried the vegetables in ghee. No need of spices; bring the turmeric and salt of one cent and firewood of four paisa or kerosene of 6 paisa is enough for lantern.”
After a while, Sani stepped up bringing all those things. After dinner with her mother, she entered her sleeping room within fifteen or twenty minutes and locked from inside.
Though it was just thirty past seven of evening, it was pitch dark. Few houses like butterflies were standing still over the larger and majestic hills, as the lifeless body. The simultaneous roar of river was continuously tuning, but the fright of silence was rising there too.
Sani, lying on the bed who was thinking, quickly heard a sound coming from the traveller’s room. Hearing that, she started contemplating right there, He might not have done with his meal. Is he able to cook or not? Or did he spill off the curry from stove, which was just cooked! How could a man cook his meal! However, he had stayed in tarai as always. Who would cook and feed him there! or he might have kept bahun (cook). But, how could he do that, it takes lot of expenses; he does not look like business man or elite people. If so, he should have bigger and heavier boxes as with the people who used to come regularly and he should have smaller and bigger leathered bags, folding bed, servant, so many porters and he should have come sitting on carpet with full of luxury; where are all those things? He doesn’t have all those things. He seems like he is a jobholder in Tarai-Madhes. How can a working person put priest?”
She started to ponder either way- “If so, he might have a wife.” Then a slap slapped her heart. With the silence, she continued to be lost in thought. There was continued roaring of the river. Collected thoughts were dispersed. She took a long breath, but those moments came overwhelmingly with those striking and sweetened fancy. She attempted to sleep over with the holding of breath- “Did traveller sleep after meal or not!” did not hear any sounds from downstairs. “If so, he slept.” But, still the same discontent. “Might have been mice, or not, such a poor fellow…’ but thought did not dare to catch up those frightened empathies. After a while, she lit up the lamp kept in khopa nearby her pillow with the match waking up swiftly. Smoky lights stated to cover up the darkness. She came down carrying a lamp. Heartbeats were rising- “if his wife is sleeping with?” An unexpressed and faint amount fear tried to steal a glimpse from the distance. She came down. “But…why did I come down? Don’t I have any other work?” There was faint light in the room of traveller. She looked away with a glimpse towards that room. He was sleeping in his white bed-relaxed; its heart started to beat of precarious greed with the fear of speedy pulling apart of its life and an unstated mixture of pleasure, courage, fear and pain started to move around his veins. With that move and current, she reached upstairs and laid down in her hollow bed.
Though traveller went away waking quite earlier, the attachment, undefined and unexpressed craving stored in Sani’s eyes followed him until far away hills and returned. Not sure of it, but her heart started to feel heavier and heavier current of feelings started to flow in her heart. A question continuously started to rise up deep inside her heart- Will he return?
Nevertheless, Sani’s question remained unanswered. That traveller didn’t return. After few days, Sani got married; she went to her in-laws house. The responsibilities of household and love of her husband caught her as normal schedule of her life. They did not sense something abnormal with Sani at all. However, that question caught as the gift of God by Sani’s far-western unnoticed culture of villagers dared to steal the glimpses 2/4 times in a day- “Will he return?”
Sometimes, disbelief used to struggle a lot while she was at her husband’s house- “I’m here, if traveller would have returned…?” but she didn’t have courage to explain that question. What a heavy, fearsome and painful disbelief. But –she wishes- traveller never would have returned, may this life perish gazing his return but Sani didn’t have the courage to face or tackle the truth that he may go without meeting. She had started to breathe that longing and everlasting wait and never-ending chagrin. She had that life, that routine of life, with the hold of that-she was a homemaker of her own household, daughter in law of her mother in law and a wife to a husband. But, how could she is be a homemaker, daughter in law and a wife to a husband in the case of disgruntlement with the swift dreadfulness?, With which heart to wish for?
Besides all these things, Sani never acted the hurdle to her husband but she surely does have the courage to counter the person who could reveal dark side of wifely manner. However, the entire heart of a woman might have the love for kid, parents, and friends of maternity; in the house of her husband, love for mother in law and father in law, brother in law, nephew etc., but she did have reminiscence towards that traveller as well. It is the bitter truth that a woman is a wife to a husband until the limitation of wifely duties. However, a woman is not a wife only. She is more than wife is, she is a sister, a daughter in law, a sister in law, and a mother and besides all these things, she is an idol of love. If the love of a woman had not been spread over the entire world, would not this world be a big dead and dread tree?
The traveller had talked about his tentative return in 15 days while he was moving. Sani still remembers the wait for those 15 days. An entire emptiness, fearsomeness and sadness had vanished away in 6/7 days. From the eight day, right from today that hope of his return started to steal the glances. Sani reminisces- she had reached atop of hills with the feelings, hope and excitement while she had gone to cut the grass for cattle. She vanishes herself in her imagination sitting on a stone with the rest of that heavier loads of grass on the floor. She continually gazed over the way from Nepal. She used to fill her inner thought with the excitement when she saw people coming that way- extremely pleasurable and lively. “Likewise, he may come with worldly pleasure all over his body from the very day of today, may with his previous identity and would spree that in his light laughter; and he would stay here stay again. But, if he would not stay? Shit! What a naughty thought. He did not have discomfort and lack of facilities as well. I had done all those works, had slept well after the meal. Why not to stay! Why not to stay? She passed her days thinking continually newer imagination to bring about the hope. Finally, the most awaited day came as well. Sani remembers, she woke up 3 hours early in the night. The most of the night was still there when she looked outside opening the door. The sky was clear with the crystal light of moon. The sound of river ‘Hrrrrr’ felt like the welcome to that exhilaration. The sky, with the stay of God, felt like laughing with the purity of Moon. “The sun would rise within 2/3 hours, the golden beams would spread over the top of hills. This day would be the day of ceremonial sign of his return. It will come, he would definitely come tomorrow, he walks in the morning and would meet Sani as the store of entire contentment.” She stayed for long with that thoughtfulness and contemplation, and she took a long deep breath with the swift note and went to her bed then started to roll over. Then there came the morning, sun rose too, Sani waited passionately, the dusk came by, Night appeared; but the result of the 15 days of fanatical waiting, Sani got- “He did not come.” Sani welcomed those four letters in her heart instead of her forlorn cry-“He did not come” with the eyes full of tears, throbbing heart, darkness over the life and suffocation over the throat.
Oh poor! The flimsy heart of a woman! How much amount of serenity do you have? For that serenity, how much of crave, love, hindrance and other have you been keeping stored?
Times of those 15 days went away. The difference came over the life and lifecycle, but again the same quest “will he return?” started to make the continual journey with “He didn’t come”. Do not know, where is the break for this journey, where is the goal and end, whether it is with the end of life or far ahead than that?
She did not even see an elusive dark shade like of man even though she observed the long way of continually growing panic and cruel hills until she can take the hold.
The epoch came over with the change. The mother of Sani too dissolved with the One whereby no one returns. Sani started to run that family business in her mother’s house. Sani resolved intensely probable doubt that she had about “whether did he go?” when she was at her husband’s house. After that, millions of travellers came from Nepal and went towards tarai through Markhu, but “That traveller!”
“Probably he would return!” she got a tip of weak and tiny thread of hope over hopelessness and she went on continuing that but…! How pure, beautiful, desired and how much lengthier does this thread of hope get over hopelessness. The thread of life and youth had been passing away with the pull instead of that thread of hope; but did Sani sense this? She was drenched by the momentum of dream of the single day with own interesting past reminiscence. With the dreamy sprout of life, sweetness and exhilarating acceptance of her initial gifts of youth, sometimes “He will come again!” She was busy renewing this thought continually. How would she know the pulling over terms of life? Love is the way of life and exhilaration is the end, we would get sense of identity with that end.
One day, Sani was standing on the door absent-mindedly after closing her shop in evening. Meanwhile, like an statue of love, the traveller was coming in dimly lit quite dusk. It is not only today, she had been hoping with the fragility for him to come. But, it had been times he made her wait clueless on the same door and went away. She had got answer to all those pointless welcome, which was misery and tears that get boiled from body. She was standing the same, waiting for same traveller with that body, shape and tears. And a man living almost all of his ages, came near and asked, “can I get shelter here?”
Blood through veins felt like clotted. The days bygone knocked ‘Dhukka’, heartbeat. Sani kept on staring at him until he asked it again, ‘can I get shelter here?’ Sani turned dark like numb with shortly light on her face. Then she answered with great difficulty looking at space, ‘Yes. Where are your porters?’
‘They are about to come’ traveller said sitting on a stone, ‘it has been days I have come Nepal from tarai, I could not return.’ I’m about to return today. It feels like all roads and hills have changed. While going Nepal, I had sheltered right in this home. I had planned the same to shelter here before leaving home, nearly I did it. Where is the old woman? You should be sani, right?
Sani started to think about the coming with intensity of brutality and formidable. She became horrified. She was not ready enough to welcome easily such a cry of unforgettable gloom and lengthier wait. Oh, man! You don’t even know it that you stand for Sani’s cry, sadness, happiness, desolation, imagination, pain, hope, desire and all other callings. How can you make a guess for the disheartened soul that you left behind with your easy question, surprised approaching and life-living story?
“Yes, I am Sani.” There came sound like from far horizon.
Traveller said with faint smile, “Yes, I had already recognized you. But you have grown old.”
Now, Sani knew everything. She knew the everlasting journey made by traveller when she felt wrinkles over her body. She pictured more vividly almost end of life along with completion of long journey. The world has become different one and there is no similarity between Sani and present days. Sani became restless with the betrayal of expectation to conscience. She felt the restlessness in her body and sat on the door.
Early morning, traveller left as before. From that day, she lost the goal of her life. Traveller one sentence “But you’ve grown old” ruined her hope, excitement, pleasure and passion that she had nourished for long. Then she silenced everything within herself i.e. her womankind, craving, heavyhearted distress, expectation and everything. Besides that, Oh! A question that she loved more than her life, her only companion through her ages vanished into darkness: ‘Will he ever return?’
[Trans: Gaurav Gurung]
Bhawani Bhikshu (1909-1981) is a famous poet, storywriter and novelist. After Guru Prasad Mainali and Bishweshwar Prasad Koirala, he is perhaps the most revered one among the first generation modern fiction writers in Nepal. His story collections include Gunakeshari, Maiya Saheb and Awantar. His stories are basically psycho-social, and deal with the internal dynamics of an individual.